The One What?
by Craic agus Ceol
Summary: Sauron struggles to find the one object in which he can pour all of his evil and malice into...and it's not as easy as one would think...PERMANENT HIATUS, SORRY!
1. Spanish is EVIL!

A/n-I'm already apologizing for this. I'm very sorry. I couldn't help it. I was bitten by a rabid plot bunny and I couldn't shake it. Besides, I killed my knee on the bottom of the swimming pool at practice, and I have nothing better to do with my time.

Disclaimer-I don't own anything recognizable. Yay?

PS-In compliance with new rules, all review responses were deleted from this story. It's not like I love them any less, it's just that I'm sick of being temporarily banned for reasons unbeknownst to me. So that's it...

* * *

"One ring to rule them all…it just seems so drab, does it not?" His high-and-mightyness Sauron asked the random orc guy. We'll call him Marco Polo.

"Whatever," said Marco Polo, watching his lord with interest. He honestly could care less about ruling rings.

"I'm thinking we go with something much more…demonic…" said Sauron. And in the flames of Mount Doom, Sauron forged the most evil thing ever created…

"BEHOLD! THE ONE SPATULA TO RULE THEM ALL!" cried Sauron as he held the demonic kitchen utensil aloft. The orcs oohed and aahed at the sight of their diabolic lord held the diabolic item aloft. However, Sauron's happiness with the weapon was short-lived.

"So THAT'S where I put that darn spatula!" said Sam, grumbling angrily. He couldn't have a complete kitchen set without the spatula, could he? Before Sauron, Marco Polo, or anyone else figured out what was going on, the special hobbit of happiness took the One Spatula back to Hobbiton. However, at this time, Sauron did not know of the existence of Hobbiton, and decided that Sam was some sort of sign that the One Spatula was not the weapon of mass destruction that he needed.

* * *

After several more days in Mount Doom, and a large amount of coffee, Sauron created another, more powerful, more evil thing ever created…

"BEHOLD! THE ONE CANDLE TO RULE THEM ALL!" The orcs, upon seeing the flickering light of the candle, all fell to the ground and began twitching.

"THE LIGHT! IT BURNSES!" they all shrieked in agony. Several of them succeeded in jumping off large objects such as Mount Doom, Barad-dûr, and Gandalf's nose. Exactly what Gandalf was doing in Mordor at the time is not known.

"Um, well, I guess this will never do," grumbled Sauron as he tossed the One Candle into the Cracks of Doom, where it sizzled like several Boy Scouts in Death Valley.

* * *

After three days of hard labor in Mount Doom, seven rubber chickens, thirteen copies of Pinocchio and four hundred cappuccinos, Sauron was ready to present the most evil, deadly, can't-think-of-another-synonym object of ALL TIME…

"BEHOLD! THE ONE SOAP BAR TO—oh bugger…" said Sauron as the ill-fated One Soap Bar slipped out of his hands and fell into the Cracks of Doom.

"Well, this is lovely," said Marco Polo as Sauron proceeded to throw a temper tantrum and succeeded in destroying several ranks of orcs and three Crebain.

* * *

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Middle Earth…

"What the bloody hell is going on over there?" Galadrial asked nobody in particular, as a huge fiery thunderstorm raged over Mordor.

"I bet he's going to create some object of extreme evil, which is going to cause a great war between Men, Elves and him, which is going to result in said object of extreme evil being cut from his hand by Isildur, who is not going to toss it into Mt. Doom despite what Elrond and Círdan tell him, and is going to be shot by orcs and drop the object into Anduin, where Deagol is going to find it and Sméagol is going to steal it, resulting in Sméagol killing Deagol and turning into Gollum, and some random hobbit named Bilbo is going to win it from him and he's going to give it to his cousin-whom-is-commonly-referred-to-as-nephew Frodo, who is going to take it on a quest with a bunch of random other dudes to throw it into Mt. Doom and ultimately end evil forever," said Celeborn, "But it's just a guess," Galadrial just gave him an odd look.

* * *

"BEHOLD! THE ONE ODD DRAWING OF SOME SCYTHE-WIELDING LADY TO RULE THEM ALL!" shouted Sauron. However, the One Odd Drawing of Some Scythe-Wielding Lady was stolen by me, who is in fact the one who drew it (please, don't ask) and was stuck back in my English/History binder where Sauron stole it from. Needless to say, the One Odd Drawing of Some Scythe-Wielding Lady was not exactly "successful".

"Maybe the One Ring was not such a drab idea," said Marco Polo's cousin's friend's grandfather's cousin's cousin's cousin's uncle's brother's nephew's grandfather's second wife's son through common law marriage. We shall call him the "Yugoslavian Man" (inside joke, don't ask).

"Oh shut up, you…you…SON OF A MOTHER!" yelled Sauron, before storming off to create his weapon of demonic-ness.

* * *

Forty-six hours, fourteen strawberry smoothies and a defrenestrated giraffe later, Sauron had another item he could use to take over the world. It was not something coveted by hobbits, that gave off light, that was slippery, or that was stolen from the author. It was an item of pure evil…

"BEHOLD! THE ONE SPANISH TEXTBOOK TO RULE THEM ALL!" Sauron crowed triumphantly. The orcs cowered at his feet. An aura of evil spread throughout the land. Everything fell silent, except for the pained howling of the author. Yes, I am cowering and howling. Sauron gave the classic evil-villain laugh, as lightning flashed in the background. However, he did not expect the author running off and warning the world of the demonic weapon.

* * *

"ELVES! MEN! THE DARK LORD SAURON HAS CREATED AN EVIL WEAPON WITH WHICH HE HOPES TO DESTROY THE WORLD!" cried the author, who shall now be called Hype. Everyone gave her an odd look. "WE MUST COMBAT IT WITH GOOD BOOKS!" Unfortunately, the citizens of Middle Earth believed Hype to be a raving lunatic. She realized she would have to do this herself…or, rather, with the help of some of her friends.

"Rhia! LH! We have a situation code blue in Middle Earth!" Hype called into the "Hotline".

"Code blue?" asked LH, "We have attacking mutant space potatoes?"

"I mean, we have a Code Yellowish-Pinkish-Purpleish-Blueish-Reddish-Whitish!"

"You mean, Evil Warlords using Spanish Textbooks to take over the world?" asked Rhia, shock and horror etched into her face.

"Yup," said Hype.

"We must represent our respective-ness!" said LH, not exactly making any sense.

"XYLOPHONE!" shouted Hype, for no apparent reason. The three teenagers made their way to the Black Gate, representing the only things that the One Spanish Textbook could not fight against.

* * *

"LET THE LORD OF THE BLACK GATE COME FORTH, AND JUSTICE BE DONE TO HIM!" shouted Hype. Three teenagers in front of an imposing black gate was not exactly a very strong opposition. Sauron nearly laughed himself to death.

"I will try to crush you quickly!" shouted Sauron. He sent millions of orcs out to combat the three teenagers.

"Well, holy bloody crumb," said LH, looking around.

"We are well prepared, do not fear!" said Rhia and Hype, pulling forth their weapons.

"I REPRESENT GOOD BOOKS TO COMBAT THE TEXTBOOK!" shrieked Hype, who began throwing good books, such as Silverlance, The Firebrand, and LOTR(ironically) at the orcs. They were easily killed and driven back.

"I REPRESENT GOOD LANGUAGES TO COMBAT THE SPANISH!" yelled Rhia, who began throwing English dictionaries and dictionaries of the trio's made-up words at the orcs. Soon, the vast majority of them were dead or running.

"AND I REPRESENT GOOD MUSIC FOR NO APPARENT REASON!" yelled LH, who pulled out several boom boxes and began playing good music such as Green Day, Mars Volta, Evanescence, and a variety of Oldies music. Hype started dancing until both Rhia and LH smacked her.

"AAIEEEE!" shrieked the Yugoslavian Man and Marco Polo, filling in the sound effects as Sauron came forth. The music, dictionaries, and books did nothing to stop the Dark Lord and the One Spanish Textbook. However, Hype and Rhia's Spanish teacher came barreling in, and bit Sauron on the ear until he released the Spanish Textbook. Then the Spanish teacher took the book and ran back to the school where he lived. The Textbook was never seen again. The three teenagers decided to celebrate by playing the good music even more, then running back to Rhia's house to play "The Sims".

* * *

"Well, bugger," muttered a very fed-up Sauron, as he nursed his ear.

"Nice Van Gogh touch," said the Yugoslavian Man, giving Sauron a thumbs-up. Sauron proceeded to let his wargs beat the bloody crumb out of the poor orc. That was the last that was seen of the Yugoslavian Man.

"Maybe he was right…maybe rings aren't so drab after all…" mused Sauron. The rest, as they say, is history.

* * *

I think I've apologized enough for this, and I'll say it again: I'm so so sorry. I'm not sure what this turned into, but I guess it's now self-insert piece that probably isn't that funny. Please, go easy on the flames… 


	2. ELVIS IMPERSONATOR! AAAH!

A/n-I've gotten such a good response from the first chapter, I decided to make a second one. Actually, I was threatened, but that's beside the point. Ahem, welcome to chapter two of _The One What?_

Disclaimer-All I own is the random items. Yay? Oh, and the story that Sauron tells in the third paragraph has several jokes owned by Longhair. SORRY, but I couldn't help it! It was just so hilarious, especially with the "cigar".

* * *

Sauron couldn't believe it. The elves had beaten him to creating ruling rings. "GAAAAHHHH! STUPID PRISSY ELVES!" he raged, throwing alarm clocks at random haradrim warriors. 

"What happened this time?" asked Marco Polo, looking at the multitudes of unconscious haradrim warriors.

"Well, it was a cold December morning in June, and I was just about to craft my One Ring to Rule Them All. I saw with my MAGICAL EYE THAT SEES ALL that those stupid prissy elves had created ruling rings for themselves. What a great way to spend a warm March afternoon!" said Sauron.

"Sure…" said Marco Polo.

"This means that we have to create something completely different!" Sauron cried.

"But we've tried spatulas, candles, soap bars, and Spanish textbooks, and none of them worked!" cried Marco Polo, "Why don't you give up this world domination idea?"

"Because then we can't lure those hobbits to the dark side," said Sauron, "And then nobody will get to enjoy the LOTR saga, and all of this random fanfiction will not be fanfiction!"

"Well, that would suck," said Marco Polo, "But we still have those three teenagers to worry about, too,"

"And that Spanish teacher who gave me a free ear piercing," Sauron fingered the 320 inch, 834 carat diamond stud in his ear.

"Sure…"said Marco Polo.

"Ahem. Anyway, let me work on my brilliant ideas of WORLD DOMINATION!" Marco Polo looked around and left so Sauron could create brilliant ideas of world domination.

* * *

2,039,803,941 seconds later… 

"BEHOLD! THE ONE NEWSPAPER TO RULE THEM ALL!" cried Sauron as he held the demonic newspaper aloft. The orcs ogled it in wonder.

"Ooh, it's the New Yorker!" breathed the Fatally Wounded Yugoslavian Man, whose name will now be shortened to the FWYM. F-W-Y-M, GO TO THE F-W-Y-M! Whoops, sorry, random YMCA-parody outburst. Sorry. Anyway, there was suddenly the sound of mass destruction.

"What the bloody fudgey hell?" asked Sauron, looking toward the Black Gate that was now in ruins.

"HOOM! DON'T CUT DOWN THE TREES FOR YOUR PRECIOUS NEWSPAPERS, HOOM!" a very loud odd voice came out of nowhere.

"Ok, who told the Ents that we were making The Mordor Mirror newspaper out of Entwives?" Sauron asked the orcs. They all shrugged. Random Orc #3, who will be renamed Random Orc #3, looked away and whistled innocently while sporting a "Support the Green Party" badge on his shirt-ish thing.

"OK ENTS, I'LL BURN THE NEWSPAPER IF YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!" shouted Sauron.

"NOOO RECYCLE!" shouted Random Orc #3.

"HOOM SURE WHATEVER HOOM!" shouted the Ents before running away. Sauron threw the newspaper into Mt. Doom. Random Orc #3 jumped after it, screaming something about recycling and toxic waste. And that was the end of the Green Party supporting orc.

* * *

So after three hundred zillion rubber chickens and three hours, Sauron came up with the most dastardly, evil thing ever created. 

"BEHOLD! THE ONE ELVIS IMPERSONATOR TO RULE THEM ALL!" The orcs oohed and ahhed as Sauron held the Elvis Impersonator aloft. Dark storms began to arise. Balrogs began doing the jitterbug. Brittany Spears began to sing. The Elves all got split ends.

"HOLY LEMBAS I'VE GOT SPLIT ENDS!" shrieked the elves, and the all sailed into the Undying Lands, except for the ones that didn't feel the wrath of the split ends, meaning the ones that wore hats. Go them.

Anyway, Gil-Galad and Elendil knew that Sauron with the One Elvis Impersonator was much too strong for them and the strongest alliance of Elves and Men ever known. So they got on the hotline.

"Hey, you've reached Hype, and I'm either at Rhia's band practice or running in circles screaming like a chicken with brain fever. Please leave a message after Green Day's "Holiday" plays. Thanks!" Gil-Galad didn't bother waiting for one of the most awesome songs on the face of the planet to end so he could leave a message. He decided to try calling Rhia or LH.

"This is Rhia, and I'm busy spazzing or at band practice. Please leave a message after the impossibly long dial tone from HELL!" Gil-Galad sighed again, and decided to call LH.

"I either am not at the hotline right now or my caller ID has picked up your number and I've decided that you aren't worth my time. Probably the latter. Please leave a message that I'll never listen to," Gil-Galad threw his hotline phone at Elendil, killing him. And now we know how he REALLY DIED! Let's just say that Isildur was fairly pissed off.

"I guess we're on our own for this battle," said Gil-Galad to nobody in particular. To ensure that Gil-Galad didn't look crazy (because he's cool, you cannot deny this!), the authoress decided to put Círdan and Elrond there to talk to him just for the heck of it.

"We must defeat the One Elvis Impersonator! He's forced a lot of elves to run off and go to the Undying Lands!" said Elrond, "If it keeps up, I won't have any elves to be lord over!"

"Well, business is booming for me. Elves really go for those white ships that are extra-expensive. I don't really mind the Elvis Impersonator, as long as I wear a hat," said Círdan, shrugging. Elrond and Círdan got into an argument that resulted in a fistfight. Gil-Galad rolled his eyes.

"Never fear! The…what did we plan on calling ourselves again?" a mysterious and powerful voice came out of nowhere.

"Umm, I don't remember," said another voice.

"The Splendiferousjestic Sauron Slicers," said a third voice.

"Ok, good. Never fear! The Splendiferousjestic Sauron Slicers are here!" shouted the first voice. In a brilliant flash of light, three teenagers appeared.

"I'm Hype, and I shall use the power of random projectiles to defeat the One Elvis Impersonator!" shouted the third person, feeling special enough to announce herself first.

"I'm Rhia, and I shall use the power of sporks to defeat the One Elvis Impersonator!" shouted the first person, feeling unhappy that she had to go second.

"And I'm LH, and I shall use the power of duct tape to defeat the One Elvis Impersonator!" shouted the second person, wondering who came up with the announcing order.

"We detected a very powerful evil presence here, and decided to come investigate. Also because there was a rumored fistfight between Elrond and Círdan, and I wanted to make sure Elrond didn't die because the twins haven't been born yet!" said Hype, "And the twins are the best!"

"What the hell is she talking about?" Elrond asked Círdan, mid-punch.

"Beats me," said Círdan, mid-bite.

"OW! GIL-GALAD, HE BIT ME! HE BIT ME!" cried Elrond, pointing accusingly at Círdan.

"Whatever," said Gil-Galad, rolling his eyes.

"Ok, so in order to keep the storyline, you guys can't go off and fight Sauron or else the story will be called "Lord of the Elvis Impersonator", not "Lord of the Rings". So we'll be seeing you for the actual Last Alliance. Oh, and find out some way to revive Elendil. He dies later," said Hype, as the three teenagers left the place where they were.

* * *

"LET THE LORD OF THE BLACK GATE DO THE STUFF THAT HE HAS TO DO!" shouted the three teenagers, once again standing before the Black Gate. 

"YOU DO REALIZE I'M IMMUNE TO BOOKS, DICTIONARIES, AND MUSIC NOW, RIGHT?" asked Sauron.

"YEAH, THAT'S WHY WE BROUGHT RANDOM PROJECTILES, SPORKS, AND DUCT TAPE," shouted Hype.

"Great, they've discovered my weaknesses already. Send the EVIL SPANISH TEACHER-LADY out after them," said Sauron. The Black Gate creaked open and a blonde woman was standing there.

"HOLY CRUMB IT'S THE TEACHER-LADY!" shouted Rhia and Hype, before running in circles screaming.

"GO PURPLE NOTECARDS!" shouted the Teacher-Lady. She threw purple notecards at Rhia and Hype, completely ignoring LH because she didn't know who he was.

"GO DUCT TAPE!" shouted LH, killing all of the evil purple notecards.

"YAY LH!" shouted Rhia and Hype. Hype threw random projectiles, Rhia threw sporks at the Teacher-Lady, and she ran off to wherever the Spanish Teacher from the last chapter went.

"I wonder if they'll ever try to use the power of the Spanish Textbook on us?" asked Hype.

"Don't want to think about it," said Rhia and LH.

"WAIT A MINUTE, WE CAN'T WORK WITH YOU, YOU'RE BRITISH!" shouted Hype and LH.

"I'm British for a day, you're German for a day. LIVE WITH IT!" shouted Rhia.

"Ok, fine, just until we destroy the One Elvis Impersonator. THEN we have to not work together for a day," said LH.

"Ok," said everyone else. However, their job suddenly became very easy because the Elvis Impersonator got sick of people accidentally calling him the "Elvish Impersonator" (BAD EVIL TYPOS!) and had gone and destroyed himself.

"Woo, we've saved the world again!" said LH. All of them cheered. At that moment, an army of flock of rabid college mascots came and mauled the three teenagers, and they died.

"Well, that's great. The three people of specialness and Splendiferousjestic Sauron Slicing were just mauled by rabid college mascots. Lovely," said Gil-Galad, who was now having a very bad day.

"I think we should just pretend all of this NEVER HAPPENED!" said Elendil's ghost.

"Wha…?" said Círdan and Elrond, who had decided that violence was not the answer, except when it came to water polo.

"I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!" screamed Hype's ghost. Rhia's ghost and LH's ghost also appeared.

"No kidding, since we ARE dead people," said Rhia's ghost.

"Ok…" said Gil-Galad.

"You know what I think?" asked Random Orc #3's ghost, "I think that the authoress has entirely too much time on her hands, has been up since 4:30 this morning, and has had entirely too much sugar today,"

"Yeah," said Hype's ghost, "And most of it was in powdered doughnuts. And that OTHER person whose name I can't put here because I don't know if she wants me to complained that I was snowing on her head. I WAS MOST DEFINITELY NOT SNOWING ON HER HEAD!"

"Ok…" said everyone else.

"Luckily for us, I have the MAGICAL TIME DOODAD and we can all go back to the beginning of the chapter before the large majority of us died," said Random Orc #3's ghost.

"Yeah!" said LH's ghost, because he hadn't said anything in a long time. So Random Orc #3's ghost used the MAGICAL TIME DOODAD to send them all back to the beginning of the chapter, where peace was peaceful…ness…so yeah…

EXCEPT UNTIL WE REALIZED WE WERE AT THE BEGINNING OF THE CHAPTER AND SAURON WOULD BE TRYING TO TAKE OVER MIDDLE EARTH WITH A NEWSPAPER AND AN ELVIS IMPERSONATOR!

DUN DUN DUN!

* * *

Ok all, please press the pretty purple button at the bottom of the page to send hate mail, love mail, and spam to me! Please? This is my first humor story since the Animated LOTR one, and I haven't written humor in a while. So please please please drop me a review, even if you hate it and feel like flaming! PLEASE? 


	3. Radishes?

A/n-I'm so sorry for the long wait in updates, it's just that I've had writer's block for this story (It was supposed to be a one-shot). Thus, the plot is FINALLY advancing! YAY!

Disclaimer-Anything from Tolkien's universe belongs to him and his agents and such, yet the random "One (fill in object here) to Rule Them All" objects belong to me.

* * *

Where we left off…Hype, Rhia, LH, Random Orc #3, and Elendil had just been revived by being transported to the beginning of chapter 2. However, they just realized that Sauron would try once again to take over the world with a newspaper and an Elvis Impersonator, which they had defeated once before yet it had resulted in Random Orc #3 throwing himself into Mt. Doom, Elendil being smacked by a hotline phone and dying, and Hype, Rhia, and LH being mauled to death by an "army of flock of rabid college mascots". And Hype just realized that the last sentence is very, very long, and doesn't care. And since it was finally summer break, Hype, Rhia, and LH could destroy the Elvis Impersonator (and the newspaper, but that was destroyed by Ents so nobody cares about that, either). 

Thus, we finally get back to mid-chapter 2, to try to stop the Elvis Impersonator once and for all. Unfortunately, that means that Random Orc #3 was already dead, so he poofed from existence.

"Hey, where'd Random Orc #3 go?" LH asked.

"Since he was already dead by mid-chapter 2, he poofed from existence," reasoned Hype.

"Oh," said everyone.

"I guess that means if we die again, then we're screwed. GIL-GALAD, DON'T YOU DARE THROW THAT HOTLINE PHONE, WE'RE ALREADY HERE!" screamed Rhia, leaping and grabbing the phone before it killed Elendil again. Thus, Isildur was not fairly pissed off, which made the plot line run that much better.

"Wait, if Gil-Galad just threw the phone, and it DIDN'T kill Elendil this time, that means that the Elvis Impersonator has already been invented. Crap," said LH.

"So that means…" began Hype. She was cut off by the random appearing of Círdan and Elrond, "No fistfighting this time, ok guys?" Elrond, Círdan, and Gil-Galad looked royally confused. Anyone who isn't referencing to chapter 2 right now is probably also royally confused.

"We're going off to fight the Elvis Impersonator, so be good elves and men and don't kill each other until we get back, ok?" said the three teenagers, and they raced off still bearing their respective weapons.

* * *

So they kicked Sauron's butt, and the "army of flock of rabid college mascots" (it's really bad when I keep poking fun at my own typos) and came back perfectly alive. Thus, the odd cliffhanger I left you with was resolved, and we proceed onto the actual story.

* * *

Sauron was in a rather foul mood. So was Frodo, but we don't care about him (yet). The reason he was in a foul mood? Marco Polo had let his Corn Flakes get soggy. That, and the fact that every time he tried to create an evil demonic object to pour all of his evil and malice into, something would happen or somebody would come and destroy it before he had the chance to take over the world. And he had soggy Corn Flakes for breakfast. 

"MARCO POLO! WHOEVER THE COOK HERE IS, PLEASE TOSS HIM INTO THE PIT OF ETERNAL DOOM!" shouted Sauron.

"We have a pit of eternal doom?" asked Marco Polo, not noticing that in the third line of this section, the author had plainly said that he had been the one to let the Corn Flakes get soggy.

"No. But its worth sounding evil and demonic saying it, right?" asked Sauron. Marco Polo blinked, and shook his head. Thus, Sauron kicked him off into oblivion.

"Now I need new random orcs," groaned Sauron. Marco Polo came back, because I can't think of any good names for new random orcs.

"Hey! I came back from oblivion! Oh, and Melkor says "Hi" and to change your underwear," said Marco Polo.

"Sauron has no pants! Sauron needs no pants!" demanded Sauron, referring to himself in the third person and irking the hell out of everyone that people referring to themselves in third person irk the hell out of.

"That's nice to know," said Marco Polo.

"Now, I need to come up with something that's so evil, so demonic, so utterly dark that everybody will be too busy cowering in fear about that they won't be able to combat it with ANYTHING!" said Sauron, "Marco Polo, what's the most evil, demonic, and utterly dark thing you can come up with?"

"Ummm…a waffle," said Marco Polo.

"A waffle?" asked Sauron.

"A waffle," said Marco Polo.

"What's so evil, demonic, and utterly dark about a waffle?" asked Sauron, utterly confused.

"Well, when you toast them, they never come out just right. They're either too burnt, or too raw, or completely frozen because you forgot to turn the toaster on. Then, they make the kitchen smell weird, like partially cooked waffles. Then, you can't get the butter to stay on because it goes into the little holes and it makes you use too much butter, then you get fat. And then, when you put the syrup on, it goes into the little holes and makes you get fat again! And you get the syrup all over the plate, and you make a giant mess. Waffles are evil!" said Marco Polo.

"I never thought of that before…" said Sauron. Thus, 4 seconds later, Sauron created the most devilish, demonic and tasty weapon ever.

"BEHOLD! THE ONE WAFFLE TO RULE THEM ALL!" shouted Sauron, holding the One Waffle aloft. The orcs blinked a few times, and erupted in laughter. Even Sauron began to chuckle to himself.

"That's kind of lame," said FWYM. Marco Polo smacked him, causing him to die again.

"Nice," Random Orc #4, whom we shall call "Yugoslavian Man's Replacement", or YMR.

"It kind of was a stupid idea," said Sauron, and he pitched the One Waffle into Mt. Doom, having it become the second least successful demonic weapon ever (after the One Bar of Soap).

"Now what?" asked Sauron.

"I have…a better idea," said YMR, quoting something but I'm not sure what.

* * *

Three bushels of corn and seven History textbooks later, Sauron had created the most evil, demonic, and utterly dark weapon ever, even more so than an Elvis Impersonator and a Spanish Textbook. The sheer power radiating off of it caused our three teenagers to go off hiding (well, one went to Ireland and the other two cowered under their beds, but it still qualifies as hiding). 

"BEHOLD! THE ONE RADISH TO RULE THEM ALL!" shouted Sauron. The orcs started dancing happily at the fact that something perfectly evil had been created.

"I am a genius," said YMR. Marco Polo smacked him, and he also died. However, it was no problem for Sauron because he was tired of the stupid Yugoslavian-Orc things running around. So he created the pathetically apathetic Random Orc #5, called Merppy. For what reason, I do not know, just that his name is Merppy.

* * *

Meanwhile, not far away… 

"This is not good," said Gil-Galad, to a bunch of other people, "Sauron has created a REAL evil weapon, and those three teenagers are nowhere to be found!"

"Yeah, that kind of is a problem," said Elendil.

"I think it's a good time to form an alliance of men and elves and dwarves that nobody has ever seen and will never see again," said Círdan.

"Just one problem," said Elrond, feeling like making Círdan look like an idiot, "The dwarves are on a 200-year holiday and won't be back for another 20 years,"

"We can't wait 20 years for the stupid dwarves to come back!" moaned Gil-Galad, "I think we'll just have to resort to having an alliance of men and elves that nobody has ever seen and will never see again,"

"Except that a lot of elves permanently relocated to Valinor after the Elvis Impersonator came into existence," said Elrond and Círdan, simultaneously.

"No they didn't," said Elendil. Everyone else stared at him, "Rhia, Hype, LH, Random Orc #3 and I made a big net on the road to the Gray Havens and captured all of the elves trying to get away. Then we brainwashed them into thinking that the only way to get to Valinor was to destroy Sauron. So we have a net-full of elves that are ready to make Sauron go boom,"

"Then we might be able to pull it off," mused Gil-Galad hopefully, "Elendil, go find Isildur. Something tells me that he has a very important part to play in this rapidly unfolding saga,"

"Yeah," said Celeborn, appearing for no apparent reason, "He cuts the radish off Sauron's finger, but loses it in the Anduin, and Deagol is going to find it…" he was cut off by randomly-appearing Galadrial who smacked him on the head and dragged him back to Lothlórien.

"Did he just say that Isildur cuts the One Radish of Sauron's finger?" Elendil asked. The others shrugged.

* * *

Not long after, Elendil and Gil-Galad had amassed an army of elves and men unlike anything that had ever been seen in Middle Earth, and unlike anything that would ever be seen again. Sauron put on a nice show also, putting forth an army of orcs more or less like any other army of orcs seen on Middle Earth: many, easy to kill, and collectively having the IQ of a rock. Elrond put on a lovely show of shouting "helpful" things to his section of the army, such as: "SHOOT DOWN THE ARMY OF CEREAL BOWLS COMING IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION" and "DON'T SHOW THEM ANY MERCY BECAUSE IF YOU DO, I'LL BEAT YOU TO A BLOODY PULP!" Of course, it was in Elvish so all of the men in the army thought he was being rather brilliant in coming up with a sort of code that none of the men or orcs could understand. However, the surviving elves had a lot of gossip to mull over for the next several centuries. But that's not what this tale is about. 

For a while, it seemed that neither of the two sides were doing much except killing each other off. Then, the Last Alliance side seemed to be gaining the upper hand. At least, until Sauron got fed up with the cheap orcs he had hired, and decided that the best way to get a job done was to go down there and do it himself. So in a blinding flash of smoke and a puff of light, he stepped onto the battlefield wielding a rather large baseball bat and the One Radish around his finger.

"Well, that's screwy," said Gil-Galad, as Sauron came after him. Then a very odd thing happened: Gil-Galad vanished in a loud puff of light. Sauron stood there puzzled for a moment, then turned on Elendil. In a loud smack, Elendil was whacked with the baseball bat and went flying across the…er, battlefield.

"Dad!" shrieked Isildur, and he ran to his father, brutally slaughtering all orcs, elves, men, and Spanish teachers in his way. Unfortunately, it was the wrong Spanish teachers. Anyway, as Isildur fell to the side of his father, Elendil blinked and looked at his son for the last time.

"Luke…I am your father…" he said.

"Who the bloody hell is Luke?" demanded Isildur.

"Gaak…dead," said Elendil, and he died.

"You EXPLANATIVE!" shouted Isildur, and he sliced the radish from Sauron's hand with a perfectly good sword. Sauron did the weird implode-explode thing, and vanished.

"That was odd," said Isildur, and put the sword down. And the sword, conveniently named "Narsil" shattered into several rather sharp pointy pieces.

"I thought it was supposed to have a lifetime guarantee?" asked Isildur. He shrugged, and picked up the One Radish. Instantly, it began to corrupt him with its evil radishness.

"Ok, Isildur, follow us," said Elrond, and he and Círdan led Isildur up to Mt. Doom.

* * *

Will Isildur actually listen to Círdan and Elrond this time? Will he ever be refunded for Narsil's lifetime guarantee? Will Hype, Rhia, and LH ever come back from hiding? And what the heck happened to Gil-Galad? Find out next time, when I'm actually not lazy and decide to update (probably when I get back from Ireland. That part was true.)

* * *

Ok guys, you know what to do! Press the pretty review button, even if it's a one-word review saying "good" or"bad". PLEASE? 


End file.
